Times come and grow and if you haven't even learned what your real name is yet then you too better listen. Each day I sit on this bridge waiting to die. Waiting for it all to end. This is where they pushed me.
Now my eyes are open and I retain my future because I am fed up. Sick of it. Sick of you telling me the next lie that I going to be told. This coin sits edge side up ready for a spin. A new dawn is coming if I can manage to live past the bullshit that you feed me each and every day. I pray not to choke on the poisons' you slipped into my mind.
How many times does it take. You kill me over and over because you can't stand the way I move my lips and breath. You annoy me. I hope I never see you again. Rich bitch.
Shot in the head again?
You really have to trust in God that when you meet new people they won't pull out a gun and shoot you in the head. In today's day and age you can never under estimate how low a friend or colleague will go which could mean you almost end up dead. I personally have zero friends. It took me a long time to realize this but it is just a true fact for me.
It was painful to learn this, but once accepted you almost instantly heal or start the process of healing. When I learned I didn't any family either it was a tear jerker. Friends, show me one. Show me one that hasn't wished me dead.
Pride and Friendship
In today's flaky technology world Pride and Friendship are rare gems if you find them. I know you don't care. I know you are not my friend. But it seems the world needs a reminder and a plain old kick in the butt that pride is something that use to matter before the fabrics of time were manipulated.
I usually spend my days cussing and swearing like a sailor. I enjoy it. Most people can't stand it about me. When I sit down to write in the blog I really have to clean it up a bit. Friendship does not exist in today's age and time. I have seen the best of the best turn on me, put a fake caring smile on their face and end up talking behind your back to get this mirage clout that people seem to desire.
It is sad. Looking through a different lens you have to believe that friendship exist and it is out there. You need to remain hopefully that during any given day some stranger is performing a random act of kindness and that is your best friend that you will never get to know.
This feeling I have at this moment wants to wish havoc upon backstabbing tobos, but it would just make you weaker to do so. I met a schizophrenic friend recently (I believe anyway) and we as people need to chill the hell out and sometimes just be a friend to someone. It is the right thing to do. The people wear pride on their sleeve for the cause they believe in when the inertia is right.
I really want to write about the darker side of life, friendship and pride, but that is the wrong thing to do. I don't think anything. I don't think this entry will make a hill of beans difference to you or anybody you know.
Stay in the here now. Die with some dignity. I bow down and proudly offer my head to be chopped off. Torture me, I don't care. Break me from the self dignity that I have so much earned walking down the stinky corrupt back stabbing path that you paved for me. The lose of you doesn't matter to me anymore. Your absence leaves me nothing. In this life I leave fear behind me.
It is you. The ones I broke bread with, slept with, and take breath with. Yes, I speak to you who once portrayed a friend and now isn't. Yes, I speak you who used me like a doormat taking what spirit of mine you could use. Yes, I walk away from the despair, the lies, the abuse, the danger that I risked vesting into you. Yes, it is you, truly you who I speak to.
Loneliness is a friend who is safe, doesn't steal, never lies to you, protects your stuff, and will always be there for you. I am not Jesus by any means so get that out of your head. I have no special gifts. I bleed and die just like you. Betrayal reeks a stench of such horrid shit that you can never forget. Again, I think nothing. I write not for you, but for me. I face meeting death on a regular basis. This walk keeps me alive because not of the desire to live, but more for the desire to see, and feel what is around the next corner.
I am way off track. I know I should be here chanting and promoting some way of life to success. Friendship and pride are in the abyss. Be cool and we shall see. To the abyss with me otherwise.
I feel negative. I know I need to turn it around. I know how to turn it around. I know I need some good weed.
Money and life
I have had trouble with my finances lately. Surviving each month has been a task month to month. Each month by the 15th I typically fear how to survive the remainder of the month. I am not asking you for help to start off other than lending a reading eye ball on this website page. It has been tough though. I sometimes wish death would occur from my enemies just so I can relive the financial burden of myself on the world. I am pissed off though. At myself mainly. I eat a lot of humble pie. I wonder a lot if there will ever be the day where I can enjoy the tastes of a cuisine that is prepared and savory.
I share this with hopes that it reaches one person who may be going thru similar struggles and just let you know your not alone. I do truly believe that America is better than or good enough to provide its people with food and water. It isn't there yet. What keeps me going is my city and the homeless that I see. It is an epidemic. I know that the Government has invested alot and has shelter tents that are newer around town. That is much appreciated.
For me though, I am simply a poor man barely making it who doesn't go to a shelter yet. I do have a day pass to eat lunch at one and I do from time to time. It isn't that great of food though, but when I really need it is a means of survival. I think everyone has a right to food. It seems like the lowest priced item at the grocery store is about 3 bucks nowadays. It is rare to find 99 cent items almost. This makes it tough when you get a 25 dollar food stamp allowance per year. I am only eligible for 25 dollars because the Government assist me with my income from when I worked for 30 years. It just sucks. I think whether you are poor or rich you should have a right to at 200 or 300 bucks a month in food. Hell, if it were my decision food would just be free for all somehow someway. My life is a consequence of my own actions and the risks I have taken. I know it will get better again.
I am hungry now and must try to get a salad. Keep your help up, pay it forward and help someone today because a small amount means a huge deal to some.
Post A Prayer leaves Zoho Sites
Today I found some interesting code in Post A Prayer's website which is now (Drum role please) built by using Google Sites site builder as a post a prayer wiki for now. The site will convert to a more traditional Post A Prayer model in the near future. We left our former web site designer software company (Zoho Sites) because of the severe lack of (or rerouted) internet traffic that the site was seeing. In the interim we happy to say that the site will be using all Google products thus far such as Google Forms, Google Sites, Google Analytics, and Google whatever to get the job done. A huge thanks goes out to the Google developers for these products as it made leaving a poor situation easy. We hope to forge a prosperous moving forward endeavor.
Post A Prayer