I often think about what (if any) impact it would have on the world if I were just to end it all. Disappear. Who would really care? I could never do it, but to coast through life and pretend the thought of dying doesn't cross my mind is just plain silly thinking so I decided to share.
Sometimes a person like myself just gets sick and tired of being pushed around. Stolen from, lied to. I day dream about leaving this heavenly temperatured city San Diego primarily because the people I have chosen to be in my life (or out of) seem to add up to squat diddly. If you are a friend of mine out there, and we still talk, how good of a friend are you? How good of a friend am I? I probably would never speak to you again if a big bag of fortune fell into my lap. Put my money in the grave (credit Drake) because you stole it from me anyways. Treated me like I was a retard. You kick back watching me dig through trash cans for cans for a Subway sandwich (6 inch) and watched me cry while you sipped the nectar of my inheritance.
Know this. You were not there for me. When you are completely alone and in udder loneliness and despair without any resources you find out real quick who really cares for you and who doesn't. It isn't that I don't appreciate all that you have done for me, it is that I know at the low of my lows you were not there. Despite what I may or may no do is just a savory excuse to treat me the way you did. Did I judge your savory indulgences?
I feel like a constant grey loosing cloud is over my head with regards to my feelings, and how I let others treat me. It is completely my fault. I am horrible at setting boundaries. The pack of wolves that sink their teeth in my demise needs to be dealt with methodically. This goes too for most of my family I suppose.
I just feel like the type of members I have had held up a lie my whole life and I am suppose to pretend that they didn't know telling me the truth was any better. Ah, the joys of depression and worthlessness. Anyone feeling the joy yet?
What keeps me going is there has to be some underground tunnel system deep in the earth with a whole other world of people who have it worst off than my poor pathetic scenario. When I wonder it is usually about who hasn't stabbed me in my back to come up off some cheap exploitation. I usually come up with no-one. Life is all about the right attitude and right now I just don't have it. Maybe the underground has a different set of morals, and rules that hinder finding this negative space I am in. Maybe it knows there is no such thing as a friend. It is just the understanding. I hope this message bonds with your negative shitty space that you may be in and somehow helps. I am told I have 50 50 odds that I will kill myself. It is like you can see the people lining up for the show. I don't buy that statistic though. Not for one second. Am I sick of living, some-days yes. Doesn't mean I am going to terminate my life.
To any of you out there who have felt gang stalked, lied too, stolen from, and cheated on know this that you can fight through the BS that life throws at you, live and keep on breathing. You do learn to hate. That is the side affect. Dealing with the hatred for those that betray is a sickness that gets cured with sunshine and good food.
When your thinking is as toxic as mine you must seek knowledge to persevere. Keep busy with the tedious nuisances life gives you. Who knows you may be one bad decision away from a win fall.
Just kidding world. Just wanted to see what you think. Feel free to comment. I really like shock factor that this article may give the so called audience. Live long and prosperous.Do me this one favor. The next time you see a stinky, smelly bum, reach into the wallet and hand them a crisp five dollar bill not to help them, but to help you, see clearly.
In regards to Post A Prayer's website. The web form is down and will be back up shortly. Thank you for your patience as some things get sorted out, and may God be with you.